October 2005


a lot like love.. nice movie.. was feeling all zing xing all over. it was nice to see how a chance meeting turns into a sweet feeling and then a feeling to last together.. hmm… i would like something of that sort to happen to me..

i can so relate to aston kutcher. doing nothing but chat and watch tv all saturday.. ain’t i lazy? have been doing this for past few weeks now.. and it is killing me. why don’t i just go out.. i don’t feel like going out. feel like something is missing.. is it love ? nah.. i would just like some company .. i guess

who am i kidding by waiting for a chance to come along.. i have to have my own story.. i am still in the maddening wilderness.. waiting for that chance to happen.. (oh wait.. i wouldn’t know if it already has happened…only time will tell..)

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I feel as if something in me is falling apart..
I know not what it is.. But..
I sit here see my phone ring..
It was a call from my best friend, and let it ring…
I am sitting here.. and listening to the agony of my legs..
It aches for not going on a walk..
All along sitting here.. watching movies..
With roomies.. I have no intention to share a talk..
I have unfinished job to do..
I have unknow dreams yet to realize..
It has been a day since I stopped talking to that Phone guy..
He keeps coming back to me.. but it is beyond my control..
Feels creepy rightnow to be on phone..
But I did like it and I thought it was really sweet..
Don’t I like it anymore ?
I don’t know..
What is it that I want ?
Well.. all I did that was worth something was may be to take this picture..
Before I regret.. it all falling..
The fall looks so beautiful..
It doesn’t feel like it is fall..
I wish my fall within also was as beautiful…

so.. an ideal saturday evening in spring..
i was walking down streets of new york
with a couple of my new found buddies friends..
we were rushing.. towards some restaurant..

and walking ahead of my friends.
they were busy chatting about something
and i was busy.. looking at some guys.. walking by
on columbus avenue near chelsea.

so.. then it happened..
there were two guys walking towards us..
one of them .. was cutest from all standards..
i couldn’t get my eyes away from him..
and we were moving closer to each other..
me still staring..
when we were at 2 feets distance..
he glanced at me..

it happened…thud!! i dropped the water bottle in my hand..
and in that instinct.. i went down..
everything stopped for a second.. my friends.. behind me.. and these two guys in front of me..

i felt…………..wwwwwwwwww
i picked up the bottle.. and as i was standing up..
i was looking into this guys eyes with a broad smile..
and he was smiling back

wow..that was great!!!

it amazes me how i do some senseless things and feel good about them.

for the past one week.. i have been doing what i feel now silly, but what seemed very romantic while it lasted. so it started online, like many of my queer flings. he messaged me out of the blue on a sunday night and it was one of those romantic first chats. where i seem to like the person beyond a questionable doubt. after spending almost five hours and me begging to let go, we ended our chat with the promise of talking on phone the next day.

so it began. a very normal conversation without any surprises. but as it went on, i realized it wasn’t ending. and then he suggested ‘why not go to bed talking’..

am i crazy or what? but it did sound like fun. so took the phone to bed. hmm.. talking soon turned to mumbling.. and then slowly.. the line went mum.. and then.. i heard the heavy breathing.. it was an awesome feeling..

it was like being with the person..

had a good night’s sleep.. thought about it the next day.. and well.. it has been continuing ever since.. sleep with the phone.. (it is kind of getting into my way.. i feel really silly doing this.. but don’t have any reason to say no.. )

Update : Oct 23

Movie “Bounce” — The line is “I need someone to say goodnight”, “I don’t have that last call”.. Oh boy.. i am so so feeling it.

my silly phone calls are still on. but i am getting a little annoyed with this whole concept. what is fun for me, doesn’t seem like fun for him. he seemed to be getting very serious about us. he is talking about things that i am not sure i can take any longer.

i wonder if i am clinging on to this because it is bad to hurt him..

how long will this go?

Update on Oct 24: Stopped.