November 2005


’someday you will understand’
you said as i was taking the bus..
from jayanagar to mathekere..
i had bags of gifts for my baby sis..
you were there all along.. as i chose
watching and helping me pick the best..
‘i am your brother tooo.. haven’t that
crossed your mind.. haven’t i any
share of thy affection..
i am not materialistic.. but a gift for me?..
someday you will understand..’

my little brother.. i think of you..
i think of those moments sitting at
fourth block.. waking near the malls..
sitting in the park.. having lunch..
and that dinner.. at the chinesse..
the moments ..little and special..
many many though they seem..
yet how i feel i need more..

oceans away.. i know closer in thoughts..
but still.. i long to be there..
plant a kiss.. and give a hug.. and..
wish you happy birthday..
wish you many many more happy returns
of the day..

well.. now that i know i want normal life, i wonder.. if this is what most people want!!

may be they do.. but what one calls ‘normal’ might vary abnormally..

anyways.. just to note it.. in the past weeks.. there has been a drastic change. it all began with that catharsis.. and then i got back to normal.. and in talking terms with most of my friends..

just when i thought i was having a normal life again.. he started talking again.. i am glad i was in my senses when he got back… there were no butterfly effects!! i had things well sorted out before that.. which helped me to be indifferent to the fact that.. i am talking again to the person.. whom i dared, not talk again.

anyways.. in the days that followed i patched up with the phone guy and then also met the malayasian for dinner.. and ya.. went finally to that desi party. all like ticking off things that i had had to do.. (i know i don’t have to)

at work.. glad things are getting back to the organized way..

hmmm.. the break-down came like a catharsis, knocking me down from the illusion of finding that perfect love. thoughts are taking different turns. is it possible that love will find me, without me having to go after it ?

anyways this morning i was browsing through a porn actors site, (nick capra) and well passing by his picture and video links, i hit upon his journal. (that is where i stumbled upon catharsis).. he has maintained a long journal for years now..

like any piece of reading, i guess i take away what i would like (may be i should try to take what author is trying to say!! but that thought is for another day). from nick capra.. i felt as if he was writing the same story as mine.. coming out of bad relation.. (eventually he had to go through a series of them..) and how he is dealing with it..

well.. what caught my attention was the point he made “would he like his life to be just a story of romantic stories?”

do i want my life to be a story about search for romance? isn’t there more to my life? aren’t there many other issues that can worry me?

oh.. these thoughts sound familiar.. i have been asking this question for ages now.. but never answered it. it has always remained a question!!! because it always followed with another question..

what if i succeed in whatever other motive i pursue.. will that make me happy.. would i regret for not having found that true love (whatever it is!!) well.. i never answered this question..

ah.. the question to answer is what does true love mean to me? i get stuck here..

but i have said in the past to a person “i love you”. what did that mean? was it just like something i had to say because i felt the situation demanded it. now thinking about it.. was it like a expression of gratification i received from the companion ship..

when does someone say “i love you”? i hear about relationships.. how they work and how they fall apart.. but i have never been able to understand what love meant to a person. is it because it has a personal meaning for each person ?

love is unconditional.. i don’t see that as a case. except for nurses who take care of their subjects.. i don’t see see an unconditional love between lovers.. to become lovers certain conditions have to be met.

love is giving.. and not expecting back.. wow.. sounds stupid to me.. if that is the case.. why can’t i love any tom dick and harry and just give and give.. well this love is certainly not the love between lovers..

ah.. sorry “love”. you are so overloaded with forms that i mistake you. may be love is unconditional and unexpecting. may be love is only giving..

well.. i am not getting into a relationship because i want to love. i rather will get into a relationship because i am attracted to a person and i can feel that i can do certain things.. (things i like to do change over time..) so if at some point i have nothing common to do with this person.. i better stop being with that person. but i guess having stayed with this person for ages, there will never be a stage where i won’t have anything in common.. and that will keep me moving on..

oh.. i have to settle for something.. it is a chance i am taking i guess. it is like satisfying my hunger on a day after the fast. i can either get into a place i see as my day begins (it is a chance that this is the best place). once i have that satisfied, i probably have the rest of my day for doing other stuff.. (if i have anything to do).. or i can as well.. spend a little time searching.. (to search..i have to know what i am searching for..) it can be mid afternoon or later in the evening.. and if i don’t find it.. i might have to settle for something that is in reach before i go down..

hmm.. the deal of the game is that; towards the end of day, i might or might not have the chance of going back to what i found was the best.. but i had let it pass by in the hope of finding something great.. (again.. my search criteria has to be set to be practical..) i cant look for vegetarian food in fish market..

i have to spend time in setting that search criteria.. (thought for later time..)
and search in the right places..

well.. coming back to me saying “i love you”.. it is not a response for gratification.. but i will tell it to a person with whom i can make the commitment of giving unconditionally..

once i have this clear.. i guess i can start thinking about what else i would like my life to have!!

ah.. i call them blocker moods..
they come in various forms..
with same consequences..
everything is stand still..
hours, days and weeks pass by..
without me having moved an inch..
yeah.. i am talking about those
blocker moods.. that clog the mind..

oh hell or heavens….
i just crossed one..
i was there sick and blue
as if destined to be doomed..
ignoring the flashes of light
giving in, for the dark within

the form so deceiving..
disguised this time as love..
love that seemed to last forever
disappeared.. into nowhere..

ah well.. i am not complaining
about the phone love (of past few days)
which i knew wasn’t anything close
but about that lasting aching
closeness, i cherish
that which still lingers on..

hmm.. blockers come in various forms
some lasting a few moments..
others seem to last forever..