December 2007


“I have to tell you something…”, the very words I wasn’t expecting at that moment.. but he uttered them.

What now? I thought.. Why not earlier? I wondered..

I let go of his belt buckles.. with which I was struggling for a couple of seconds before he said those words. Unlike his flannel shirt which was easier to unbutton, the belt buckles  were demanding a certain skill that I have not yet acquired… and I had no patience at that moment.. the moment just before grabbing the grand prize..

My hands slowly made their way upwards.. feeling him as they moved.. before lying on his bare chest and kissing his neck…. he smelt good..

“Hmmm.. what is it?” I asked.. and I prepared myself to deal with the worst surprise. Is he gonna say that he is positive or ….. or …., my thoughts were running wild in that instant.. It was only an instant before he finally spoke in a very low hesitant voice…

“I thought I should tell you before.. you know…. we proceed further… “.

Get on with it.. I was screaming inside…

“… I am dating this other guy… “. He finally said it..

So what? Why are you telling me that? Hmmmm.. so did you want me to stop? Why did you have to tell me now? Couldn’t you have told me before we had dinner? Before we went for the movie? Before we watched the second  movie on your couch? Before I crawled under your arms? Before I kissed you… Before you let me unbutton your shirt.. before……… before……..

why now?

“Nice. How is it working out?”.. I asked, wondering if I should start searching for my t-shirt.. lying somewhere.. but it felt good just lying there.. in his arms.

“It is kind of stuck. He is not sure if he wants to move forward and I …….”, he went to explain that he liked the guy but the guy wasn’t ready for a relationship.. The usual..  And somewhere in between he mentioned that he met him just after I had stopped responding to his mails for a while..

Damn it…. I should have mailed him after the blue hills hike..

This was our third date in three or four months since we first chatted up on gay.com. The first one went well, we met at the south-end cafe and took a walk around charles river. The second was a hike to the blue hills.. and today was the third… was just meant to be a dinner and movie.. But then, I wanted to take it to next step too….

.. he was still explaining why he told me about his other date.. “.. you seem like a nice person and didn’t know if this would hurt your feelings, and I wanted things to be clear….”

Hmmm.. would it hurt me? to sleep with a guy who is in love or is dating someone else? I am not the one going out of the relationship.. and as long as I don’t know your personal life.. why would it hurt me?

Ah! and if this doesn’t work out with him.. will that hurt me?  this is just our third date and the first night together… even if it does feel great.. it can’t hurt that bad..  there is always someone around the corner.. isn’t it? and i don’t mean like a hook-up…

“…. I hope you are not feeling … “, he was going to say something…

I stopped him.. “i am ok. you did the right thing.. i hope it works out for you with him..”

did he do the right thing or could we not have just done it? am i being a hypocrite? this was getting way too complex for a third date….

i lay still…. he was quite now….

it is a little over midnite and the boston chill is at its peak. i had no intention of walking out….the warmth his body was irresistible.. i lay there in his arms… drifting into sleep….

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i decided to come out to my friend after he started drifting apart from me thinking that i had a secret girl and wasn’t telling him.. (we were ‘supposed’ to share every bit of information.. which sounds crazy right now.. but that was how it was in college..).

so i took him for a walk and eventually told him that my secret girl friend was a ‘guy’. it shocked him….. not as much as i expected, which made me think may be being queer isn’t a big deal after all..

anyways, he was silent for a while.. and when we were walking back he asked..

‘how can you ‘fcuk’ a guy?’

A 2003 french movie by Christophe Honoré, story of a middle class family, with four brothers. the plot starts with one of the brothers discovering that he is HIV positive and it follows his ordeal in conveying this to his family and friends..

the movie raises a lot of questions and leaves the viewer to ponder upon issues like:
– should a truth such as this be kept a secret from little brother?
– is it possible to keep it a secret from a family member you live with? can the elders hide their emotional reactions from their children?
– if nature and nurture both influence an individuals sexuality, how much does brotherly intimacy, shielded single mothers love or a sexually active parents influence a person’s sexuality? how should each of these members interact with a teenager?
– how does an teenager express his bottled frustration and the anger for being ignored or kept guarded?
– how all independent lives where each is allowed to live their personal identities affect each other?

from leo’s perspective:
– what about companionship? should he live with a lover or with family far away?
– should he live alone or drag the family into the world of hiv?
– will he ever be able to have sex again?
– what about raising children or just living the life without worrying about anything?
– can he ever have sex again?
– is he influencing his younger brother to become gay by getting very close to him?
– how can he love his brother and yet not wish him to take the same path to hiv as himself?

Have you seen it? What did you think?

after all these years…with all those loves from childhood to teenage and into the prime of youth.. it is all too familiar now, the anxiety in the moments leading to the rendezvous moment.. described with butterflies in the stomach or the numbness of the thoughts..

it seems like i am living just for this one moment. everything before and whatever will come after that doesn’t seem to matter.. and yet it is all about what i have done in the past and what i will do in the future will be decided by this rendezvous moment..

it is at 4pm today.

i have a few hours to kill before i start driving towards the rendezvous and i know there is nothing i can do till then, except may be continue doing the work that i am supposed to do.. but can work provide me with that sweet distraction that i so badly need right now or should i call on some of my friends.. what is it that i can do which doesn’t require my attention or which can take my undivided attention..

how can i stop thinking about the rendezvous moment…

Big B.. yes.. the thoughts of him certainly can keep me occupied..

the one who gives me immense joy and at the same time all this anxiety. what is it about him that drives me so crazy.. is it his unwavering confidence with which he can walk into the bar.. and pick up the guy he wants? or is that tender caressing with which he took me in in the middle of the night, feeding me grapes and blue cheese omlette.. or is it his cut throat accomplishments in the financial markets of the big apple or could it be his passion of world cultures and music.. and of course how can i forget.. his charming sweet words and the passionate animalistic love..

alas…. it is a paradox.. for the same reasons, we can never be together..

the conflicts of our careers and ambitions drift us apart… and so why should either or both of us give up that pleasure of walking into the bar and taking what we can get? why should our tender caress be deprived their need for being expressed? how can the passionate animal be tamed to be satisfied with occasional reunions? and so we move on..

carrying with in me.. those memories of moments that we had together.. that i could have not had in any other way….

and at the rendezvous moment.. i will find out.. if i will be carrying with me.. anything more than those happy moments.. the cause for my anxiety..