August 2008


It is “My Body Your Body”, an exhibit at ICA by Anish Kapoor, that was mesmerizing me.. i was staring into that deep dark mysterious blue glass eye hole…. Anish Kapoor creates these magic tricks with out the magician… Optical illusions.. which challenge your senses.. for example the eye of My body, your body.. was staring back at me.. as i moved from left to right and right to left..

There was no way, that could happen, that was just hard glass.. how can it movie, i wanted to touch it. But there was a line drawn to keep the viewers at bay. i tried to cheat.. OK i will stand behind the lines, but what if I lean my torso and head towards the eye… It was futile.. especially with the guard standing right next to the exhibit…

I slowly walked past the other exhibits, killing time before He would finally arrive. I couldn’t wait any longer.. I had to know where he stands..

I had always thought that I could appreciate Art, by reading them in the books or watching a photograph or a video, but I was wrong. The only way you can experience it is by experiencing it physically… There were so many more items that I could go through, but not today.. It was time he arrived…

We decided to grab something quick for dinner and walk to the piers overlooking the ocean..

I was eating my wrap.. and he was savoring his sub, i dared…

“Say, give me one reason, why we didn’t spend the rest of Saturday together.”

“I got scared and pulled away”, he said.

It was so quick, that I can hardly tell if he heard my entire question. What followed was an extreme silence. I was being pushed into an abyss.. thousand questions started racing in my mind.. but I held on to the quite..

I probably just broke the illusion, in which i was so immersed since I first reconnected with him. How could I have missed it? Could I have done it any better? None of those questions really mattered any more..

One of the reasons for saying I was not going to verbally express how I feel was to avoid exactly such a question and answer. I wished we fell in and fell out without exchanging words. That was no longer possible and doesn’t matter anymore.. I crossed some line, which I was not supposed to..

Now, none of anything really mattered…

He finished his sub, I still had my wrap.

He left, I stayed.

The deep ocean, the sea gulls, people walking by holding each other.. the day had passed, the darkness was settling in…..

I was home just in time to hear Ted Kennedy speak at the Denver Democratic Convention, he ended by saying.. “hope raises again, dream lives on…”

how can i concentrate on what i am reading.. if this ad keeps showing up?

i am definitely ready to date, and this feeling is as intense and animalistic as the urge to mate. the urge is reaching its high like the tides on a fullmoon.

but then i can’t really look for a date, not without hearing a NO from Him. it has been more than ten days since we first met, he is being so neutral. i play our conversations over and over in my head to discover an hidden gesture/signal.. but all i do is flip-flop.. likes me, likes me not… (and yes, the thought that i might be so attracted to him that i am missing the ‘NO’ sign has crossed my mind.)

it gets worse on weekends… while he is conveniently busy doing stuff with his friends, i linger with his thoughts. i could do some work, but i can’t focus on it. and more over it is a fabulous summer weekend.. the dreadful winters are just around the corner..

so when I got a call from Paul for a movie, i rushed myself there on friday after work.. and didn’t mind hanging out with his friends after the movie. we were six of us, one long term couple, one new couple, Paul and me. And I guess when you have a couple, invariably talks are directed towards adopting a child and the gay parenting issues… (may be one day.. i thought and it soon let me to start wondering about Him…) and that was end of friday..

gorgeous saturday, perfect for an outdoor activity.. but after idling around the house running errands i decided to go to Epic Saturdays @ Roxy..  may be i can get good at reading the expressions by watching people.. see if i can tell the difference between friends and couples.. (Are you good at telling friends from couples? How can you tell?)

So I found a place on the galleria from where i could get a good look at the dance floor. there were circles formed and it soon started to fill. people in circles kept changing partners and it was hard to tell if any inthe group were couples..

I started focusing on only couples.

there was an inter-racial couple.. an Hispanic and a Black. they never ceased to kiss. are they a couple or on a first date.. couldn’t tell…

Caucasian Guy and Asian stepped on the dance floor and took their place in one corner. They were cute. They were slowly moving their bodies, quite disinterested in dancing, they were looking around and each other and occasionally touching each other.. and the first time they caucasian tried to kiss it almost didn’t happen.. may be because the asian was atleast a foot shorter.. then the asian stopped dancing.. lifted his head and the white guy reach down and they kissed…  just long enough to make it a non-awkward first kiss (second kiss). they were definitely on a first date. i later saw them walk down the dance floor holding hands..

two white guys in their 40s or 50s may be. they seemed to have lived their life… they were active but not the typical circuit guys. they would kiss each other once in a while.. dance holding each other and sometimes move apart, show each other some dance moves.. and then get back together. may be they were a couple.. i thought..

An hour had passed and He came (yes at some point we exchanged messages and it turned out he was going to be at the same club with his friends. Trust me, it was a co-incidence). Almost felt like taking him aside and get the burden off my mind…. but i let it be… standing next to him was a torture, but it was a torture i was now getting used to..

he went for his drinks with his friends, while I made it to the dance floor.. and back to looking at people..

two guys were dancing next to me… both were really dancing.. i was looking at them.. and one of them would occasionally look at me. neither of us smiled at each other but just looked..

an handsome indian.. with cute glasses.. was at the edge of the dance floor, leaning on the grills. another guy of mixed race moved towards him and they kissed and stood there talking with each other.. boy friends i thought.

a single white guy mid 40s i think, was now moving around.. he wasn’t smiling.. neither was he not smiling.. he was just looking at people..  “that could be me 10 years from now.. i thought”. i moved to the grill to digest that thought.. do i still want to be single, like i thought i would be.. or am i now looking to be paired… (oh no.. not again!)

just then, the indian guy came back, this time alone. with a new drink and no boy friend. i looked at him.. he looked at me. no smiles. remember this is boston…

i looked again, he looked back again.

i leaned towards him and said.. ‘can i barrow your glasses?’

i tried them. i couldn’t see through them. he had sight. but then it was a conversation starter.. which followed by ‘you look hot’, ‘where you from’, ‘whats your name’…. and finally i asked.

‘is he your boy friend?’ pointing at his boy friend who has passed us by and was now standing with some other guys. ‘oh no. he is a very good friend. relationships are overrated’. he said.

‘have you been in one?’ i asked.

‘many.’ he said.

dont remember how it happened, but i remember holding his hand. feeling his palm. it was rough.

he started feeling me.. and we did that raunchy dance move. sometimes dance is just an excuse. men want men. he wanted to kiss.. an hookup!

i hugged him instead. he pulled me out, looked into my eyes.. ‘What?’ he asked.

‘Nothing’, I said looking back into his eyes. there was that sexual urge.

He tried to kiss again. i stopped.

He took a step back. ‘Relax’. he said.

After sitting for a while, getting as close as I could allow myself without feeling awkard, he saw what i was up to.

‘Make up your mind, I will be right there’ and he moved towards his friend.

Ah, wish I could make up my mind. I now walked down the dance floor to where He was with his friends…

And the conundrum continues..

what if we never had to say .. “let us date” or “let us enter a relationship”, why do we (humans) emphasize on making verbal commitments, when we know that we might eventually not be able to keep up those commitments. birds for instance find their partners and stick around them..

aren’t words just words.. when not backed by actions? is it true for actions as well.. are they just actions if not backed by words?

i guess i will never know unless i try it..

and so i am going to try.. try not to use the words but experience it….

i will not tell him.. i miss him which i terribly do..
i will not tell him.. i like him which i surely do..
i will not tell him.. i want to be with him.. which is killing me..

would he know how I feel without me telling?

have you had any experience like this? do you think it is silly to not express what you feel?

I had a crush on him the moment I lay eyes on him. It has been an year since. It was at a party to honor an Indian gay movie director. That night I found out he was in a relationship. It wasn’t easy to get over that crush, but I think I finally did move on. I dated a few guys after that, one for almost three months and also got really comfortable being single…

But then, I recently found out that he was out of that relationship and I started having goosebumps again. To ask or not to ask for a date!

It was a fuzzy feeling. I know he would make a great friend, but would he also make a good date? We started having these long conversations and he seemed to oblige my inquisitiveness. There was almost an  looking forward to chatting online and having long conversations…

And so we decided to hang out. Not Date, but just hang out.

I hadn’t realized how hard it would be to just hang out with The guy, I am fatally attracted to. I tried, for a while, there was no touching, no holding hands and no staring into the eyes for more than a second. But he was irresistible. I was being engulfed with the urge to hug and kiss…

My shield of experience to gaurd from such moments had abondoned me. And I found myself as naive and helpless I was when I went on my first date..

What was he thinking? What is he going through? I wanted to look into his eyes.. assuming eyes speak the truth. But how could I look into his eyes without staring into them for more than a second.

And I did it. I said I wanted to kiss….. just before he was trying to say good-bye!

It was an awkward moment as soon as I said it. Instead of kissing, I was now holding myself back. With one leg on the break of the unparked car, unevenly adjusted front seats. It just didn’t feel right… Why did I just say that? Why did I not wait? Is he feeling the awkwardness?

Did we just hang out or was this The much anticipated date?

With total awareness of AIDS and STD in the media, a random sex hookup has become a taboo, or at least an apprehensive venture. Random hookup which was once an integral part of the gay-culture is becoming something of an exception rather than the rule..

May be it is a good thing or may be not…

The Park on Boylston Street and Fenway is known for random sex hookups and the petty crimes. There has been some effort in making the place safer by installing emergency helplines, those blue slim phone poles. I avoided being seen in the area after the mugging encounter last year… For the record, I was just passing by the bolyston street with my ex. Really!

Anyways, there is Machine close to this park, which is good place to hang out on a friday night.

Last night I was there, going to machine. I didn’t realize it was a game night, there was a flood of people coming towards boston from fenway and needless to say, it was safe to pass…

I got out of the club around 1am and had to walk near the park to get back to my car.. Was a little tensed, but dismissed the thought of taking a cab.. I set out to walk. I could see a couple walking out of boston towards fenway, that is a good sign.. even though they were on the opposite side of the road. I soon saw another guy, join the Bolyston from the Park drive. I walked as fast as I could to just tag along and yet maintain some distance so he doesn’t get scared of me..

Crossed the park, and couldn’t resist my curiosity to take peek into the park as I walked. May be i was expecting something to happen, there certainly was a thought to quickly get inside and check it out.. but couldn’t gather the enough courage to do it. Wish I knew kum-fu or karate. Damn!

I was now almost in the city.. and the first soul from the opposite side was now walking towards me. He was young, in his early twenties with one of those sexy scruffy looking hair. He was carrying a back pack, seemed like he was dragging his feet, may be he had a few drinks….

I didn’t realize I was staring at him, till he startled me with an unusual gesture. He rubbed his dick. I looked into his eyes and he was staring back at me.. and my eyes immediately dropped down to where his hand was. It was right where it was, cupping it and I felt as if he was telling me he had something i might like..

I looked back at him once more and.. and this time I was as close to him as I can get while crossing a person from the other side..

I passed, walked a few steps and when I knew what just happened I turned around just to make sure it really happened. He was looking towards me..

I walked towards my car…

He will remain that kid I wish I did with.. or may be not..

Ah this reminds me of cubbon park in Bangalore. Have you had any such experience in cubbon park? Did you go through with it?

Do you wish you had random hookup despite this whole health-scare awareness?