i am definitely ready to date, and this feeling is as intense and animalistic as the urge to mate. the urge is reaching its high like the tides on a fullmoon.

but then i can’t really look for a date, not without hearing a NO from Him. it has been more than ten days since we first met, he is being so neutral. i play our conversations over and over in my head to discover an hidden gesture/signal.. but all i do is flip-flop.. likes me, likes me not… (and yes, the thought that i might be so attracted to him that i am missing the ‘NO’ sign has crossed my mind.)

it gets worse on weekends… while he is conveniently busy doing stuff with his friends, i linger with his thoughts. i could do some work, but i can’t focus on it. and more over it is a fabulous summer weekend.. the dreadful winters are just around the corner..

so when I got a call from Paul for a movie, i rushed myself there on friday after work.. and didn’t mind hanging out with his friends after the movie. we were six of us, one long term couple, one new couple, Paul and me. And I guess when you have a couple, invariably talks are directed towards adopting a child and the gay parenting issues… (may be one day.. i thought and it soon let me to start wondering about Him…) and that was end of friday..

gorgeous saturday, perfect for an outdoor activity.. but after idling around the house running errands i decided to go to Epic Saturdays @ Roxy..Β  may be i can get good at reading the expressions by watching people.. see if i can tell the difference between friends and couples.. (Are you good at telling friends from couples? How can you tell?)

So I found a place on the galleria from where i could get a good look at the dance floor. there were circles formed and it soon started to fill. people in circles kept changing partners and it was hard to tell if any inthe group were couples..

I started focusing on only couples.

there was an inter-racial couple.. an Hispanic and a Black. they never ceased to kiss. are they a couple or on a first date.. couldn’t tell…

Caucasian Guy and Asian stepped on the dance floor and took their place in one corner. They were cute. They were slowly moving their bodies, quite disinterested in dancing, they were looking around and each other and occasionally touching each other.. and the first time they caucasian tried to kiss it almost didn’t happen.. may be because the asian was atleast a foot shorter.. then the asian stopped dancing.. lifted his head and the white guy reach down and they kissed…Β  just long enough to make it a non-awkward first kiss (second kiss). they were definitely on a first date. i later saw them walk down the dance floor holding hands..

two white guys in their 40s or 50s may be. they seemed to have lived their life… they were active but not the typical circuit guys. they would kiss each other once in a while.. dance holding each other and sometimes move apart, show each other some dance moves.. and then get back together. may be they were a couple.. i thought..

An hour had passed and He came (yes at some point we exchanged messages and it turned out he was going to be at the same club with his friends. Trust me, it was a co-incidence). Almost felt like taking him aside and get the burden off my mind…. but i let it be… standing next to him was a torture, but it was a torture i was now getting used to..

he went for his drinks with his friends, while I made it to the dance floor.. and back to looking at people..

two guys were dancing next to me… both were really dancing.. i was looking at them.. and one of them would occasionally look at me. neither of us smiled at each other but just looked..

an handsome indian.. with cute glasses.. was at the edge of the dance floor, leaning on the grills. another guy of mixed race moved towards him and they kissed and stood there talking with each other.. boy friends i thought.

a single white guy mid 40s i think, was now moving around.. he wasn’t smiling.. neither was he not smiling.. he was just looking at people..Β  “that could be me 10 years from now.. i thought”. i moved to the grill to digest that thought.. do i still want to be single, like i thought i would be.. or am i now looking to be paired… (oh no.. not again!)

just then, the indian guy came back, this time alone. with a new drink and no boy friend. i looked at him.. he looked at me. no smiles. remember this is boston…

i looked again, he looked back again.

i leaned towards him and said.. ‘can i barrow your glasses?’

i tried them. i couldn’t see through them. he had sight. but then it was a conversation starter.. which followed by ‘you look hot’, ‘where you from’, ‘whats your name’…. and finally i asked.

‘is he your boy friend?’ pointing at his boy friend who has passed us by and was now standing with some other guys. ‘oh no. he is a very good friend. relationships are overrated’. he said.

‘have you been in one?’ i asked.

‘many.’ he said.

dont remember how it happened, but i remember holding his hand. feeling his palm. it was rough.

he started feeling me.. and we did that raunchy dance move. sometimes dance is just an excuse. men want men. he wanted to kiss.. an hookup!

i hugged him instead. he pulled me out, looked into my eyes.. ‘What?’ he asked.

‘Nothing’, I said looking back into his eyes. there was that sexual urge.

He tried to kiss again. i stopped.

He took a step back. ‘Relax’. he said.

After sitting for a while, getting as close as I could allow myself without feeling awkard, he saw what i was up to.

‘Make up your mind, I will be right there’ and he moved towards his friend.

Ah, wish I could make up my mind. I now walked down the dance floor to where He was with his friends…

And the conundrum continues..