after all these years…with all those loves from childhood to teenage and into the prime of youth.. it is all too familiar now, the anxiety in the moments leading to the rendezvous moment.. described with butterflies in the stomach or the numbness of the thoughts..

it seems like i am living just for this one moment. everything before and whatever will come after that doesn’t seem to matter.. and yet it is all about what i have done in the past and what i will do in the future will be decided by this rendezvous moment..

it is at 4pm today.

i have a few hours to kill before i start driving towards the rendezvous and i know there is nothing i can do till then, except may be continue doing the work that i am supposed to do.. but can work provide me with that sweet distraction that i so badly need right now or should i call on some of my friends.. what is it that i can do which doesn’t require my attention or which can take my undivided attention..

how can i stop thinking about the rendezvous moment…

Big B.. yes.. the thoughts of him certainly can keep me occupied..

the one who gives me immense joy and at the same time all this anxiety. what is it about him that drives me so crazy.. is it his unwavering confidence with which he can walk into the bar.. and pick up the guy he wants? or is that tender caressing with which he took me in in the middle of the night, feeding me grapes and blue cheese omlette.. or is it his cut throat accomplishments in the financial markets of the big apple or could it be his passion of world cultures and music.. and of course how can i forget.. his charming sweet words and the passionate animalistic love..

alas…. it is a paradox.. for the same reasons, we can never be together..

the conflicts of our careers and ambitions drift us apart… and so why should either or both of us give up that pleasure of walking into the bar and taking what we can get? why should our tender caress be deprived their need for being expressed? how can the passionate animal be tamed to be satisfied with occasional reunions? and so we move on..

carrying with in me.. those memories of moments that we had together.. that i could have not had in any other way….

and at the rendezvous moment.. i will find out.. if i will be carrying with me.. anything more than those happy moments.. the cause for my anxiety..