The angel was still around when we got back in, and the place was still crowded..

I couldn’t help but notice that some feathers from angel’s wing had fallen.. and he seemed a little tired.. and there was an thin layer of dried sweat.. it was very tempting to go and feel him.. and may be pluck a feather or two..

He found some guy he met before and so we were going towards that guy. That guy was very cute.. wore a tight t-shirt that showed off his well built muscles and the v-neck giving an glimpse of the trimmed chest.. he had a nice smile.. and that sexy stubble.. That v-neck guy was with another guy who was relatively quite.. and kept to himself..

I was stealing some looks of ‘v-neck’.. and it seemed like he was returning them.. we were flirting with our eyes.. my fantasy for good looking guys with beard was taking me over….

I knew I wouldn’t be able to make any reasonable conversation with them.. without making my interest obvious.. so I ended up taking the only way out of those two very interesting choices, abandon both of them and look around..

1am.. It is that time of the night where some people indulge in hunting..

I relaxed myself by putting my back to the bar resting my elbows on the bar table where they serve drinks. After 1am.. not many people come to take drinks and it is a cool place to hangout..

I started wandering around the room with my eyes.. At the left corner of the dance floor Drag Queen was leaning towards the DJ… it was kind of dark in there.. the bright TV screen above grabbed by attention..

It was displaying messages sent to some number via mobiles…

User 819> Ron needs it badly
User 820> Can you please play something of P!nk?
User 821> The guy in the straw hat is very sexy..

After a quick scan.. I wandered my sight towards the guys on the dance floor and like always that guy in white shoes, skin tight jeans, funky shirt and his ears pierced was in the front.. dancing and looking around the room to see who was watching him.. These days I almost look for him as soon as I enter, as if he is part of club cafe..

The new waiter at club cafe.. the tall one who goes around with a tray of glasses.. was now performing an sleezy number on a pole in the right corner of the dance floor.. There was drunk guy trying to touch his arse, while the waiter was trying to avoid it..

Some guys and girls sitting in the chairs cheering them up…

There was a bunch next to them.. who were just standing and involved in a very serious conversation…. laughing every now and then..

Next.. one guy in late fourties.. short.. and chinese.. looking at no one in particular.. and everyone..

Then that tall guy with a bag hanging around his shoulder, he is another guy I have seen so many time and he is always with that bag even outside the club..

The black guy and his white friend.. the guys who I have noticed together since the time I entered.. the white one seemed to follow the black one.. all around.. and i could not tell if the black guy cared so much… what struck was that the white guy had followed the black one to the rest room and there was some kind of a murmur…

Then a guy in a black athletic jacket, folded hands.. no drinks..

My wandering stopped.

He was looking at me and I hadn’t realized that I was staring at him and I had a smile on my face.. He was still looking at me.. I moved my eyes away from him..

After giving a decent gap of two seconds, moved them back in his direction..

He was still looking in my direction.. he wasn’t smiling.. it was just a stare.. a cold stare…

I made a quick turn to see if i could indulge myself with the company that I already had.. The v-neck was looking at me.. he had that smile.. “i know what you are upto” kinds.. and he looked in the direction of the guy i was looking.. Damn! he knew i was looking at him. I gave him an “Oh well!” smile… We were communicating with out words.. and it did not feel strange..

I turned around to take another quick glance at the black jacket guy..

He was standing next to me on my left.. I looked at him with slightly enlarged eyes.. and the next moment when I regained myself.. I said “Hi”.. or probably i just bowed my head..

No reaction.. he was staring into my eyes.. He was looking much hotter from near.. a well exercised body, clean shaven face.. soft blond hair.. the jacket fit him so well…… just like a mannequin… I was starting to blush a little..

“Hi”.. he said. it was so sudden and quick that i would have missed it if I wasn’t staring back at him.

“Aryan”.. I extended my hand.

“Tom”.. he returned…

“Having fun?” I asked

“Ah”.. he shrugged… Was he or was he not? Well. may be he wasn’t. after a few more seconds of blank stare I introduced him to the guys on my Right..

“These are my friends”.. I said. All of whom I had met a few hours ago…

He moved a little towards them.. and said “Tom” to them.. looking at the extreme right guy.. That guy said “Alex”.. he turned to v-neck.. “Alex” and then he turned towards Him.

He did not say the name. black-jacket waited..for a couple of seconds and was getting impatient… “What is your name?”. he demanded.

“Why do you want to know?”  was His response and after a long pause said.. “What is the point in knowing my name? This will be last time we will see each other..”

It was true, if he went back to India this will be the last time.. but there was certain coldness and certainty in that tone that startled me..

Is he always this blunt? I remembered the way he responded to Willy.. when asked about “type”.

He did not tell his name.. and black-jacket wasn’t pressing it any further..

black-jacket moved back and stood in front of me. And we were back to blank stares…he was starting to annoy me…but his hot fit body was very attractive.. even though he did not have a beard…

why today? May be I could have taken his number and sent him away or I could have probably just excused myself to another room.. but i didn’t.

I was clearly interested in three people to different degrees at the same time.. What a mess!

“Do you wanna dance?” I asked to cut through the awkwardness..

He moved backward, away from the bar.. signing me to move towards him…so I guess that was an “Yes”.

I moved closer to him, away from Him.. Them..

DJ was playing… “I .. just a little bossy… ” or something like that.. I didn’t care much for the music anyway.. But black-jacket was mouthing them.. and he was pretty good in his steps. I was moving along, making random movements..

at some point.. he held my hand.. lifted it up..  gave me a slight push to and turned me around.. and as soon as i turned back towards him.. he started to turn around.. and when he came around to face me.. i lost my balance and pulled him down…

he held me and pulled me back from falling.. that was the first time i saw him show some expression.. he was smiling.. doesn’t matter if that was the expense of an clumsy feet..

i knew that move.. and this time with prior notice.. it was more elegant.. and as if i was to be rewarded he hugged me..

he body was still moving to the music… mine was moving along with his rhythm.. not necessarily in tune with the music playing in the background..

we swayed anyway….

we were of same height… and i could feel my lips trembling with tension.. i couldn’t see his.. and i did not want to.. i was exploring his greenish eyes..

he kissed.. and instantly pulled back his head..

“Sorry”.. he said. still holding me..

“What!”.. I asked…. distancing myself a little from torso and tightening the hold a little..

He shook his head side ways..

After a couple of moments, he looked back into my eyes.. and kissed again.. and this time it was longer.. and his tongue was trying to break in.. and it did not face any resistance from mine.. it was welcomed with a wet tongue..

He did it again.. He pulled back and said “Sorry!”..

I waited… and it repeated again.. and this time when he started pulling out.. i pulled him back in. We weren’t dancing anymore… our hands were feeling each other and the tounges exploring the deepest held secrets..

When we finally parted…. I waited..  He did not say sorry this time.

“Why did you say sorry earlier?” I asked.

“Because I kissed you….” he replied.

“It was good”.. I said. and we kissed again. It didn’t matter that I did not know anything about him.. He was a good kisser. He was mumbling in between the kisses something to the effect that “you are a good kisser”.. “you kiss good”.. “you are beautiful”… and I was shutting him up with a kiss… and sometimes mumbling the same words back at him..

“Do you live in boston?” he asked.. a brand new sentence.. “No”.. I said and it struck me. I was the prey! He hunted me down… and I let him.

I realized I was still in Club Cafe.. It was too late now.. It did not matter if I was being watched….

We kissed again.. and again.. till the lights went on…

We walked towards our company.. I noticed that v-neck was giving his cell number to another cute guy..

The v-neck gave me that “you are mischievous” look.  I returned it with “you too”…

I looked at Him, he gave an very casual indifferent smile…

The club closed…

We said good bye to v-neck and his friend..

“About tomorrow.. Salem.. I will call you…”, he said before taking the cab..

black-jacket and I walked towards my car…

Will he call me? does this change our plans?  of Salem… Photographing Boston skyline… May be I should have not kissed…

Wait.. why am I even thinking about Him and what he thinks about me? Why am I not thinking about the black-jacket….

Was that a wrong turn?

And I was still going the wrong way.. I have to turn around.. at some point…


“Can I get you something?” he asked..

Took a moment before I said.. “water please…”

It seemed like an eternity, even though it was just a moment. Something wasn’t right. Was it because he looked different than what I imagined from seeing his pictures? Or was it because he did not speak a word on the apartments buzzer, but just buzzed me in.. Was it because he wanted me to meet at home than meet at coffee shop.

I was standing alone between the packed boxes, the TV was on.. a couch was set up and in the dim light I could see the cleanly spread bed. It is an studio.

He just moved in to the neighborhood. We have been chatting for a while on Manhunt.

Oh btw, Manhunt provides some very interesting profiles and chats.

It is 11pm.. And the plan was I will sleep over.. Why not? I thought…

Standing there.. I had two choices after I decided I won’t sleep over… jerk off or be a jerk..

He was back with the glass.. took a sip of water..

I could see his quivering lips.. he was shirtless… his happy pot belly.. and i looked up…

“Listen”, I said. “I am going home. Let us not do this today”

“Are you not interested? Is that it?”

Looked into his eyes. “Yes”. It came out.

“OK”. he said

And as I walked out, closing the door behind me.. he wasn’t there.

And as I left in the mid night, I had a sense of peace.. than I would have had if I had left the next morning..

being single on a saturday night in new york, without a plan means endless possibilities.. may be the plan is to get some decent plan. plan or no plan, it was an perfect night to vanish into the crowded night.

dinner with friends at nooch around 9pm was the vantage point.. while they were enjoying their leeche margaritas, i feasted my eyes with the evening delights.. nicely dressed cute guys.. some alone,  some with friends and some on dates..

nooch is this dimly lit pan-asian bar and restaurant. there is literally no space between tables, so it is hard avoid getting into each others way or to not eves drop.. probably that was designed by intent.

we finally settled in our table for six.. with me on one of the corner. the table next to me was for two, which was occupied by an cacuasian and an asian. there was a pillar between me and the asian, so i could only look at the cacuasian.

not sure how it happened, but it almost became an involuntary action to look at the cacuasian every few minutes. sometimes i would catch him talking, sometimes listening and sometimes looking at me. after a
few glances.. we were locking our eyes..

just the eyes.. he would not smile and i didn’t either… he continued his conversation with his friend or a date may be.. i ended up eaves dropping and listen to them talk about their families..

were they on a date?  if he was on a date, why were we locking eyes.. was he having a bad date? or is he just flirting around? oh well.. it is his problem!

or is it? how would i feel if i was sitting next to him on a date.. what would i do if he was flirting with the guy on the next table! may be i will also flirt with the guy on the next table..

so anyway.. it was that time when the asked for the bill. he excused himself to go to wash room.. and i was watching him as he did it.

he did not give me a glance.

i excused myself and was standing next to him in the queue.

we smiled. first time since we looked at each other about 30 mins ago..

“how is it going?” he asked.

“not bad”, i said.

“you look cute”, i added.

“are you in town?” he asked.

“for today..”, i said.

he took his mobile out, i typed my number on it. he rang the number. i silenced the ring.

it was his turn in. he went in, came out and nodded as he walked away.

when i came back to table, they were just walking out.. and for the first time i looked at the asian guy. he had this sweet smile.. but he wasn’t looking at me. as they walked out of the door.. asian went out
first and caucasian looked back as he closed the door..

we were all set, bill was being split and were making plans to head to therapy from there. i received a message from him telling he would be up for getting together a drink or something and he would be awake.. suggested i call him however late….

i let my friends take the cab to therapy, i called him…..

i skipped meeting my friends at therapy, but caught up with them at posh!

i am definitely ready to date, and this feeling is as intense and animalistic as the urge to mate. the urge is reaching its high like the tides on a fullmoon.

but then i can’t really look for a date, not without hearing a NO from Him. it has been more than ten days since we first met, he is being so neutral. i play our conversations over and over in my head to discover an hidden gesture/signal.. but all i do is flip-flop.. likes me, likes me not… (and yes, the thought that i might be so attracted to him that i am missing the ‘NO’ sign has crossed my mind.)

it gets worse on weekends… while he is conveniently busy doing stuff with his friends, i linger with his thoughts. i could do some work, but i can’t focus on it. and more over it is a fabulous summer weekend.. the dreadful winters are just around the corner..

so when I got a call from Paul for a movie, i rushed myself there on friday after work.. and didn’t mind hanging out with his friends after the movie. we were six of us, one long term couple, one new couple, Paul and me. And I guess when you have a couple, invariably talks are directed towards adopting a child and the gay parenting issues… (may be one day.. i thought and it soon let me to start wondering about Him…) and that was end of friday..

gorgeous saturday, perfect for an outdoor activity.. but after idling around the house running errands i decided to go to Epic Saturdays @ Roxy..  may be i can get good at reading the expressions by watching people.. see if i can tell the difference between friends and couples.. (Are you good at telling friends from couples? How can you tell?)

So I found a place on the galleria from where i could get a good look at the dance floor. there were circles formed and it soon started to fill. people in circles kept changing partners and it was hard to tell if any inthe group were couples..

I started focusing on only couples.

there was an inter-racial couple.. an Hispanic and a Black. they never ceased to kiss. are they a couple or on a first date.. couldn’t tell…

Caucasian Guy and Asian stepped on the dance floor and took their place in one corner. They were cute. They were slowly moving their bodies, quite disinterested in dancing, they were looking around and each other and occasionally touching each other.. and the first time they caucasian tried to kiss it almost didn’t happen.. may be because the asian was atleast a foot shorter.. then the asian stopped dancing.. lifted his head and the white guy reach down and they kissed…  just long enough to make it a non-awkward first kiss (second kiss). they were definitely on a first date. i later saw them walk down the dance floor holding hands..

two white guys in their 40s or 50s may be. they seemed to have lived their life… they were active but not the typical circuit guys. they would kiss each other once in a while.. dance holding each other and sometimes move apart, show each other some dance moves.. and then get back together. may be they were a couple.. i thought..

An hour had passed and He came (yes at some point we exchanged messages and it turned out he was going to be at the same club with his friends. Trust me, it was a co-incidence). Almost felt like taking him aside and get the burden off my mind…. but i let it be… standing next to him was a torture, but it was a torture i was now getting used to..

he went for his drinks with his friends, while I made it to the dance floor.. and back to looking at people..

two guys were dancing next to me… both were really dancing.. i was looking at them.. and one of them would occasionally look at me. neither of us smiled at each other but just looked..

an handsome indian.. with cute glasses.. was at the edge of the dance floor, leaning on the grills. another guy of mixed race moved towards him and they kissed and stood there talking with each other.. boy friends i thought.

a single white guy mid 40s i think, was now moving around.. he wasn’t smiling.. neither was he not smiling.. he was just looking at people..  “that could be me 10 years from now.. i thought”. i moved to the grill to digest that thought.. do i still want to be single, like i thought i would be.. or am i now looking to be paired… (oh no.. not again!)

just then, the indian guy came back, this time alone. with a new drink and no boy friend. i looked at him.. he looked at me. no smiles. remember this is boston…

i looked again, he looked back again.

i leaned towards him and said.. ‘can i barrow your glasses?’

i tried them. i couldn’t see through them. he had sight. but then it was a conversation starter.. which followed by ‘you look hot’, ‘where you from’, ‘whats your name’…. and finally i asked.

‘is he your boy friend?’ pointing at his boy friend who has passed us by and was now standing with some other guys. ‘oh no. he is a very good friend. relationships are overrated’. he said.

‘have you been in one?’ i asked.

‘many.’ he said.

dont remember how it happened, but i remember holding his hand. feeling his palm. it was rough.

he started feeling me.. and we did that raunchy dance move. sometimes dance is just an excuse. men want men. he wanted to kiss.. an hookup!

i hugged him instead. he pulled me out, looked into my eyes.. ‘What?’ he asked.

‘Nothing’, I said looking back into his eyes. there was that sexual urge.

He tried to kiss again. i stopped.

He took a step back. ‘Relax’. he said.

After sitting for a while, getting as close as I could allow myself without feeling awkard, he saw what i was up to.

‘Make up your mind, I will be right there’ and he moved towards his friend.

Ah, wish I could make up my mind. I now walked down the dance floor to where He was with his friends…

And the conundrum continues..

With total awareness of AIDS and STD in the media, a random sex hookup has become a taboo, or at least an apprehensive venture. Random hookup which was once an integral part of the gay-culture is becoming something of an exception rather than the rule..

May be it is a good thing or may be not…

The Park on Boylston Street and Fenway is known for random sex hookups and the petty crimes. There has been some effort in making the place safer by installing emergency helplines, those blue slim phone poles. I avoided being seen in the area after the mugging encounter last year… For the record, I was just passing by the bolyston street with my ex. Really!

Anyways, there is Machine close to this park, which is good place to hang out on a friday night.

Last night I was there, going to machine. I didn’t realize it was a game night, there was a flood of people coming towards boston from fenway and needless to say, it was safe to pass…

I got out of the club around 1am and had to walk near the park to get back to my car.. Was a little tensed, but dismissed the thought of taking a cab.. I set out to walk. I could see a couple walking out of boston towards fenway, that is a good sign.. even though they were on the opposite side of the road. I soon saw another guy, join the Bolyston from the Park drive. I walked as fast as I could to just tag along and yet maintain some distance so he doesn’t get scared of me..

Crossed the park, and couldn’t resist my curiosity to take peek into the park as I walked. May be i was expecting something to happen, there certainly was a thought to quickly get inside and check it out.. but couldn’t gather the enough courage to do it. Wish I knew kum-fu or karate. Damn!

I was now almost in the city.. and the first soul from the opposite side was now walking towards me. He was young, in his early twenties with one of those sexy scruffy looking hair. He was carrying a back pack, seemed like he was dragging his feet, may be he had a few drinks….

I didn’t realize I was staring at him, till he startled me with an unusual gesture. He rubbed his dick. I looked into his eyes and he was staring back at me.. and my eyes immediately dropped down to where his hand was. It was right where it was, cupping it and I felt as if he was telling me he had something i might like..

I looked back at him once more and.. and this time I was as close to him as I can get while crossing a person from the other side..

I passed, walked a few steps and when I knew what just happened I turned around just to make sure it really happened. He was looking towards me..

I walked towards my car…

He will remain that kid I wish I did with.. or may be not..

Ah this reminds me of cubbon park in Bangalore. Have you had any such experience in cubbon park? Did you go through with it?

Do you wish you had random hookup despite this whole health-scare awareness?

Start talking about the one common experience every gay man shares. When did you come out? Are you out to your family, friends, co-workers?
I hope this becomes history, but till then.. it fills a large part of conversation and sometimes quite insightful..

Now that both parties have found something common and made the connection that they are indeed Gay, they want to hear each other out. Have you been in a relationship before?

This is a tricky one. People always have some thing to tell for this question, even if one was never in a gay relationship, he was or thought he was in a relationship with some straight guy in the past.

By now a lot has been shared and it is time to get very very personal.. When did you start having sex?

The question actually is – when did you first get the opportunity to have sex. Isn’t that what determines it unless of course one is either molested as a child or molested other child…

If a few laughs have been shared over the previous question, the next one is inevitable…  How many guys have you slept with?

This could either be an funny or awkward question.. based on whether you are running the risk of being labeled as promiscuous or someone who has had good fun..  But then does anyone answer this question honestly or can anyone do it without maintaining a journal? Is it possible for a gay guy to have slept with less than 10 guys?  If you answer in single digits, does it even count? However, this question has a strange effect on the mind, it brings images of the people with whom I had sex and it was either enjoyable or miserable!

OK. Assuming the previous question has amused both parties.  The deed is being done..
Lying butt naked, out comes this question – “What would you like me to do?” or “What is your sexual fantasy?” 

No comments…..

after all these years…with all those loves from childhood to teenage and into the prime of youth.. it is all too familiar now, the anxiety in the moments leading to the rendezvous moment.. described with butterflies in the stomach or the numbness of the thoughts..

it seems like i am living just for this one moment. everything before and whatever will come after that doesn’t seem to matter.. and yet it is all about what i have done in the past and what i will do in the future will be decided by this rendezvous moment..

it is at 4pm today.

i have a few hours to kill before i start driving towards the rendezvous and i know there is nothing i can do till then, except may be continue doing the work that i am supposed to do.. but can work provide me with that sweet distraction that i so badly need right now or should i call on some of my friends.. what is it that i can do which doesn’t require my attention or which can take my undivided attention..

how can i stop thinking about the rendezvous moment…

Big B.. yes.. the thoughts of him certainly can keep me occupied..

the one who gives me immense joy and at the same time all this anxiety. what is it about him that drives me so crazy.. is it his unwavering confidence with which he can walk into the bar.. and pick up the guy he wants? or is that tender caressing with which he took me in in the middle of the night, feeding me grapes and blue cheese omlette.. or is it his cut throat accomplishments in the financial markets of the big apple or could it be his passion of world cultures and music.. and of course how can i forget.. his charming sweet words and the passionate animalistic love..

alas…. it is a paradox.. for the same reasons, we can never be together..

the conflicts of our careers and ambitions drift us apart… and so why should either or both of us give up that pleasure of walking into the bar and taking what we can get? why should our tender caress be deprived their need for being expressed? how can the passionate animal be tamed to be satisfied with occasional reunions? and so we move on..

carrying with in me.. those memories of moments that we had together.. that i could have not had in any other way….

and at the rendezvous moment.. i will find out.. if i will be carrying with me.. anything more than those happy moments.. the cause for my anxiety..

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